Shame is brutal – it robs us of life and happiness. It undermines our health, self esteem and overall well-being.
While we are feeling shameful, it’s impossible to enjoy life. We bombard ourselves with hurtful self-defeating messages. Messages like; I am not good enough, I am hopeless, I can’t believe I am so stupid, I am a total failure………………..
It’ s like drinking poison for the soul.
When we are feeling shame, we feel awful. We feel there is no hope for us. It’s like a never ending spiral of self-loathing and self-reprisal.
In psychodynamic therapy, shame is considered as a defense mechanism. A defense against emotions. Whenever we feel shame, there are emotions of anger, guilt and grief underneath.
“Before you diagnose yourself with depression and low self-esteem, first make sure you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes” William Gibson.
I use shame as an indicator, when I feel shame coming on, when I start to blame myself or be hard on myself. I know something is going on underneath and I remind myself to look deeper and ask questions like:
- Was there something someone said or did that hurt me?
- Was there something someone did or said that reminded me of something painful?
- Is there a need I have not acknowledged and or expressed?
- Are there feelings I have not acknowledged and or expressed?
Shame is like turning anger inwards and we end up blaming ourselves with no mercy.
This causes tremendous stress and pain in the body. When we feel shame, we are much more likely to make unhealthy choices that undermine our health and even feeds the shame.
We don’t talk about it, we keep it to ourselves and bottle it up.
We may drink, take drugs, binge, over -work, or sit in front of the computer to numb out the painful feelings of shame. We are caught in a spiral of shame.
What we really need most of all when we are caught in shame is:
- First of all notice what is going on and that shame is at play.
Then we need:
- Empathy and compassion
- Self-compassion
- To share it with someone we trust. Someone who will listen with compassion and without judgement.
Dr Brene Brown is a researcher of vulnerability and shame. She is an author of 3 wonderful books. I recommend them all!
1. The Gifts of Imperfection
2. I thought it was just me
3. Daring Greatly
Her messages about shame and vulnerability are profoundly important.
The last 2 Sundays she has been interviewed by Oprah on Super Soul Sunday.
Watch the first episode here
and the second episode here
I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!
Anne Sture Tucker 
You raise some good points that I hadn’t thought about before in recognizing shame. I love that quote from Gibson!
Yes don’t you just love that quote! It made me laugh 🙂
Hope you have time to watch the 2 episodes with Brene Brown she is wonderful!
XXX
Thanks for this post! I loved reading it all!
You are so welcome Sophie and thank you! I hope you have time to watch the 2 episodes from Super Soul Sunday – they are packed with wisdom.
XXX
This is great! She is cool! I also heard her talk on Ted.com 🙂
Yes she is awesome I absolutely love her 🙂
Thank you Amy! XXX
What a heavy burden! Anne, I’m impressed with how you tackled this subject so succinctly. It would have taken me endless pages! And I agree w/ the comment above – what a fantastic quote!
Thank you Annie!
I think this is such an important topic. Shame is at the root of so many problems.
Yes I love the quote too 🙂
XXX
Oh Gibson’s got it spot on! When I’m feeling shame or when I feel lowly, I repeat positive affirmations. Works like a charm 🙂 xx
Gibson’s quote is spot on, I agree 🙂
Positive affirmations a great self- compassion practice.
XXX
This is a beautiful post – I needed this. Unfortunately, the Oprah link doesn’t seem to work from here.
I am so glad you liked it! I am sure if you go in from your end and just google “Brene Brown Super Soul Sunday”, it will come up even on youtube. I am sorry my link didn’t work for you!! You can also sign up for Brene Brown’s blog and you will find it all there http://www.brenebrown.com/my-blog/
Love XXX
I have to say, with my anxiety I constantly find myself questions what people meant by the things that they say. Stewing on things sucks! Such a great article Anne 🙂 You nailed it x
Thanks for sharing this. I agree, ” Shame is like turning anger inwards and we end up blaming ourselves with no mercy.” We should love and forgive ourselves. To accept and move on with hope and bright optimism. There was a time I pitied myself for the hardtimes me and my wife experienced due to an act of an evil man but finally we both said to ourselves, “Enough! We are not going to let him win.We will rise above the pain and find our happiness.” It worked. Sometimes it still hurts but we remind ourselves life’s too short to live in the misery and shame of the past.
Loved those Super Soul Sundays, and couldn’t agree more, Anne: self compassion is so key!
😀 and what are we to do if we ARE surrounded by assholes?
Get out quick 🙂
Cannot .. they are at work!!!!!
Time to find another job!!!
No, no, no, you haven’t been following my story – it is impossible – I should be happy I kept the one I have – a very painful subject.
Sorry friend!!